(Belated) Excuses & Apologies

Last December I sent cards, to very few people from my Christmas list. No cheery and newsy Christmas letter was written.

Q: Why?
A: I was literally out of my mind.

I was on a new medication, to help another medication work better for one of my chronic conditions. Willis-Ekbom Disease. Ever heard of that one? It is a neurological ailment that is basically Restless Leg Syndrome (RLS) on uppers. The new meds turned my brain to mush. Of course, it took me a couple of weeks to realize what was happening with the chaos of the holidays going on. By then, the damage had been done.

Trying to write a note in a card, or just address an envelope was a major effort. I would fall asleep, jerk awake, then finish my sentence with totally unrelated words, which I had to scribble out and try again. You can imagine how sloppy the cards and envelopes looked. Apologies if you got one. Apologies if you didn’t.

Even worse were the hallucinations. I’m grateful they were not scary ones – like LSD induced or written by Stephen King. They were more embarrassing than anything. Like I would reach for my glass of water, only to find it wasn’t there. Did I fall asleep for a couple of seconds, and dream it was there? The same thing would happen as I spoke or wrote to someone. A scenario would play in my head and seem real, until I opened my mouth to talk about it and realize it wasn’t real and the other person would have no clue what I was talking about. Which was only fair, because I already forgot what it was.

The disgusting thing was, the meds did not help my condition at all. So, I read the info that came with the prescription, about the drug, side effects, etc. One of the many “side effects” of the drug was brain damage.

Oh. That’s. Lovely…

The next day I called my doctor and told him I was brain damaged, and my RLS was worsening. He told me to stop taking the drug immediately, and be patient- the side-effects may take some time to go away.

THAT was an understatement.

Nearly a year has passed and I still will get those “non-LSD” moments.  I’m trying to cover them up when they occur, but the occasional “out-there” comment will be spoken. Hubby looks at me strangely, waiting for an explanation that does not come. I can’t explain it because I don’t know what happened. Really.

My helpful hubby, suggested that the med in question simply enhanced the brain damage I inherited from my family. I reminded him that due to his family’s genetic brain damage, he married me.


♥  TTFN  ♥



Ghosts of Christmas Past

Me & Hubby (2008)

I made the mistake of looking through old photo albums last week. I say “mistake” because this deterred me a couple of hours away from my objective: finding a particular photo among scads of them. It only took 3 minutes to find it. The other 2 hours were revisiting memory lane.

That explains why it has taken me almost 4 years to get moving on a surprise project for our kids that I wanted to do as soon as I retired. Now there are 2 such projects in the works, making my office look like I have a PhD instead of an Associate degree. (Smart people without PhD’s will know what I’m talking about.)

The photo albums invoked so many emotions. Christmas’s past ran the spectrum from happy to heartbreaking. “Visitation right” conflicts, court orders and angry feelings would go with the holidays like a black cloud. I began to dread the holidays instead of looking forward to them. Christmas had become an emphasis of our inability to be together as a whole family.

Then, a friend helped me see the light. She must have been sick of my lamenting and whining because she sat me down and told me that I had the power to make any day Christmas, it did not have to be the court controlled 25th of December, but any day we could all be together.

And so, the “tree trimming” party came into being. A weekend in early December when everyone happened to be home. Often we had an open house, inviting close family & friends, making and eating snacks. Laughing a lot.

The kids made ornaments and decorated cookies, trying to out-do each others creations. Some were so creative we should not hang them on the tree, but we did anyway. We played games in the dinning room instead of having a “real” dinner. We only turned the TV on if the 49ers were playing, or we were having Tetris Wars.

Now the kids are grown and hubby and I are grandparents. I love being able to watch the old Christmas “specials” again, have cookie decorating help and this year we have an Elf Bowling tournament going on. I haven’t had this much fun since tree-trimming party’s past.

Anyway – as I wrap up my long overdue project, and finish my celebration happy dance, I remember that this Christmas is only 20 days away and I have only a million things to do, and less than 3-weeks to do them in.  That was just one sentence, proving how busy and in a hurry I am getting. Taking a deep breath…

Only our Lord knows what the Christmas Future holds. But I do know I will be feeling love and happiness with no black clouds in sight!

A Merry Christmas to all, and to all, a good night.





Getting In The Mood

I’m not in the mood for the holiday season – yet. XmasFreeZone

I’m tired, in pain and my jaw is swollen and bruised. I am not a happy person this week. Did I mention whiny and emotional? I hate when I get this way, but I know what to do to shake off the hum-bugs…

I need to watch It’s a Wonderful Life. Bake cookies, bread, and fudge. Decorate the house (after cleaning it!). Nag hubby to get our tree and lights up. Play Christmas music. Kidnap granddaughters to help with baking and assorted decorations. These things send me over to the festive side every time.

What gets YOU in the mood??
photo credit: Duane Storey via photopin cc