Some days, no matter what you do, are frustrating, maddening, and emotional.
Everything in your life is falling apart, and you just can’t take it anymore. You want to hide in your room and not deal with anything. You want to give up the fight. You keep running into that brick wall, and the only dents you make are on yourself.

You are told, “Snap out of it!” “Go back to bed and get up on the right side.” “Suck it up.” “Get over yourself.” Oh, and my personal favorite (not), “Call a Whaaambulance.”

Obviously, ranting to others does nothing to help you. I used to think that “getting it off your chest” helped you mentally. It does. But only if you rant to yourself. YOU are the only one you can trust to know exactly what you mean, not be judgmental, or get offended. I keep two journals. One is my everyday diary and prayer book. The other one? That is my black book of rants, resentments, and evil thoughts.

What!?! You have evil thoughts?
Oh, you bet I do.

I came across my black book two days ago while cleaning out my dresser. I decided not to read any of it at the time. Very few people know about the black book, and none have ever seen or heard its contents. In fact, I try not to read past entries myself. Why go through it again? I need to expel the current demons and return the black book to its shelf when I finish, so it can be taken from its place when needed. Usually, months go by without even thinking about the black book. In very bad times, the book is not reshelved for days.

I have not written anything new for years. Not that my life is perfect. I keep the book because knowing it’s there, ready to listen, helps me cope. I have hundreds of journals, diaries, and prayer books. I do not have any other black books. One seems to be enough. If you struggle with resentments or can’t let go of bad feelings, you should try this method. For me, it allows me to think/say exactly how I feel about whatever or whoever. I can be as vicious and nasty as I need to be with my black book. If I were venting to a friend, I could not be as free to let it all out. I would edit myself. Pull punches, hold back.

Today, after attending my quilt guild’s meeting, I realized that I need to check out that little black book. The deadline for show entries is next week, and I am already being bombarded with special requests. I love my fellow quilters. So I want to be diplomatic when I tell them that they are not special enough to change the rules for. The only way I can be kind and patient is to yell at them in the book and get it out of my system. Page after page of rants and evil thoughts will be written. That, and the subconscious growling.

TTFN