Tag: Humor

Vanity Is The Enemy (or what a gal will go through to look cool)

~ JodiLea

Have I mentioned that I’ve gained a few pounds? I blame hubby for this. He is losing weight and I keep finding it. I do not begrudge him for losing weight he needed to lose. In fact, he’s looking mighty fine 😉  these days. What I don’t understand is why he can’t lose weight at work. But that’s not what I’m here to rant about today.

I was getting dressed a couple of weeks ago, and I had to wear something nice to show up for jury duty. No problem – I had a nice pair of black pants to wear. These pants, that used to slide gracefully over my thighs and hips, stopped at my knees. It took some tugging (and cursing), but they finally made it up to (what used to be) my waistline.

Open Zipper

The bigger problem was the zipper. It could not and would not close.

I tore through my closet in search of a top long enough to cover my crotch. No tunic length shirts or sweaters anymore.  Must have given them to Good Will or somewhere.  I had 2 options:

  1. I could wear jeans anyway (they were tight, but the fly stayed closed)
  2. I could wear my “old-lady” pants with the elastic waist and no pockets. The tunic top would have come in handy to disguise them as normal pants, but they still had no pockets. I HATE not having pockets in my pants. Where do you put your Id? Your lunch money?

Lunch money. My brain switches gears back to High School. I was robbed of my lunch money by an unseen thief. She, I assumed it was a she because it happened in the girls bathroom, suddenly reached under the door, into my stall, and snatched my lunch money right off the top of my books. Literally caught with my pants down. Just one of many humiliations I suffered in High School.

High School. Switching gears again. A memory of my mom telling me about when she was in High School. It was the early 50’s and it was poodle skirts, crinolines (ask your grandma), and tight jeans. “So tight in fact”, she confessed to me, “that I had to lie down on my bed to zip them up”.

Her wisdom lives on, and she thought us girls never listened to her. 😉   Thanks Mom!!

It worked. Black pants zipped up and button closed.  Who knew that gravity could be my friend?

Being me, instead of feeling triumphant, I start worrying that the pressure put on the zipper by my flab would break it. I would have to pee at some point, which meant using the straining zipper. How would I get my fly closed again without my bed?

Did the zipper hold?  Amazingly it did. Even with peeing, it still worked. But not once, during the entire day, did my pants ever become comfortable. Ever.

Sooo, I’m working to lose the weight my hubby gave me. I don’t know how many pounds I gained because my denial reflex has not allowed me to get on the scale. It’s funny how it takes me three times longer to lose what he lost and I found.

Actually, it’s not  funny when I think about it.

Is there a moral to this story? Many of them, actually. Pick one  🙂

Post-Dramatic Holiday Blues

~ JodiLea ~ 1 Comment
Blurry Christmas
Christmas went by like a blur

Or if you prefer, PDHB. After all, every noteworthy syndrome, disorder, and disease has an acronym.  PDHB happens to me every year and I have to suck it up and take it like a woman. Suck being the operative word.

I find out when I’m downloading the 6 GB of pictures and video that I took of the festivities, most of them are blurry. Great. Although I recognize my daughter and granddaughter when blurred, I am bummed. I console myself with the knowledge that I am the only one taking pictures, and this family would have no visual history if not for my efforts. Such as they are.

By the time I truly felt in the Christmas spirit, it was over. Just like that. Now it’s time to prepare for the new year. To me that means transferring all the family & friends birthdays, anniversaries, etc.  from my 2011 GIANT CALENDAR to the 2012.

Giant Calendar
I wasn't kidding!

For 2012 I have made goals, but not resolutions. One of them is to continue developing this blog. I’m toying with the idea of making it more professional looking (at least less pink).

Stay Tuned…….

 

Why My Guardian Angel Deserves A Raise

~ JodiLea ~ 4 Comments

Deja vu: Originally published Jan 29, 2011

Dear God,

Thank you for my Guardian Angel. Please give him a BIG FAT Raise.  He works very hard to protect me from Evil, as well as myself.

When I was much younger, I pictured my Guardian Angel petite and feminine, like Tinkerbell with a halo. Maybe when I was younger that was the kind of Angel I needed.  As I grew up  my Guardian Angel needed to be more formidable.

As in Ving Rhames formidable.

Ving RhamesWhen I was seventeen, my cousin and I borrowed my Uncle’s 1974 Ford Pinto to run some errands. We were waiting to turn left at a busy intersection when a large truck smacked into the back of us and we were shoved 30 feet past the intersection. The back-end of the car wrapped itself over the front doors. The gas tank ruptured, spewing gasoline – a Ford Pinto defect in the mid 70’s you may have heard about.

So why does my Guardian Angel deserve a raise? First of all, my cousin did not have the wheels “pre-turned” to the left. So when the truck pushed us at 50 miles per hour, we went straight down the road, instead of turning  into oncoming traffic. Secondly, we had already dropped off my cousin’s baby niece at Grandmas house, so she was not in the car. There were no car seats back then – only laps. Last but not least, there had not been even one spark created by all that crushing metal to set all that gasoline on fire.  My cousin and I had whiplash. There was crying and shock, but no blood. There was another blessing later on as well. The insurance settlement paid for our 1st semester of college.

College must have been exhausting  for my Guardian Angel. He had to run interference from my stupid decisions. Decisions like letting drunk boys drive me back to the dorm from parties. And trying out the toga party “punch”.  I was  very, VERY naive. I was preyed upon by losers, users and evil-doers. If someone told me something, I believed it. Why would they lie? Why indeed…

I was also a  Jerk Magnet and my Angel had to be the defender of my chastity more than once. I used to wonder why I went out on a lot of first dates and had no boyfriends. Nobody messes with a formidable Guardian like Ving. Not twice.

Now that I am a happily married grandmother, my Ving-like Guardian Angel needs more action. No problem! I have 2 little granddaughters that need some serious protection. Phoenix, who is 6-years old, will be another reason he deserves a raise.

Photo of Ving Rhames, courtesy of Hollywood.com