Giggles & Bits Thursday – A Funny Story

My Sis sent me an email with a funny story. Thanks to her, we have something to laugh about today!

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SIPPING VODKA
A new Priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak..  After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done.
The Monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.  If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”
So next Sunday he took the Monsignor’s advice..  At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.  He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1)  Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.
2)  There are 10 commandments, not 12..
3)  There are 12 disciples, not 10…
4)  Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5)  Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6)  We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7)  The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8)  David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him..
9)  When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
10)  We do not refer to the cross as the ‘Big T.’
11)  When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, “Take this and eat it for this is my body..”   He did not say, “Eat me.”
12)  The Virgin Mary is not called ‘Mary with the Cherry’.
13)  The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14)  Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter’s not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.

Thanks again, Sue!!

♥  TTFN  ♥

Never Choke in a Restaurant in the South!



Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich,  begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says,
‘Kin ya swallar?’

The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, ‘Kin ya breathe?’

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, ‘Ya know, I’d heerd of that there ‘Hind Lick Maneuver’ but I ain’t niver seed nobody do it!’

Now, that’s funny!

Story courtesy of Aunt Carmen 😉

A Joke For You

Deja Vu from Original post:  Feb 26th, 2011

Airplane LandingI get a lot of email with Re:FWD:Re:FWD:FWD:FWD.. as the Subject. Sometimes a cute joke will come my way and I pass along the ones that make me laugh out loud. [This one is from my cuz-in-law, Shar]

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A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”

She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston ”

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your business role at this convention?”

“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”

“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”

“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to have that trait.

Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.

I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. “I’m sorry,” she said, “I shouldn’t really be discussing all of this with you.  I don’t even know your name.”

“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba.”