Never Choke in a Restaurant in the South!



Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich,  begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says,
‘Kin ya swallar?’

The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, ‘Kin ya breathe?’

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, ‘Ya know, I’d heerd of that there ‘Hind Lick Maneuver’ but I ain’t niver seed nobody do it!’

Now, that’s funny!

Story courtesy of Aunt Carmen 😉

The Ungrateful Roses In My Yard

In December I prune my rose bushes so they can go dormant for the winter. I also add a systemic food and fertilizer to the rose beds to protect them from insects and mold.  They need this done if they are to be beautiful and healthy in the spring.

Do my roses appreciate the love and care I give them?  I could say that they love me, but that would be a big fat lie. These roses were fully grown when we moved into this house 24 years ago. Now they are old and mean. Seriously.

Thorny And Ungrateful

Their trunks are large and gray as ash. Their branches have thickened over the years and look gnarly. I could deal with this because their roses are beautiful. However, as the years passed by, the number and evilness of their thorns has made pruning a nightmare. Roses are supposed to like pruning, according to my gardening book. Apparently the author never met roses like mine.

This year every rosebush (there are 7), rebelled against me. Even with my thick pruning gloves on I got constantly stabbed. In fact, they grabbed my gloves and pulled me into even more thorns as I was working. It was all I could do to keep on until they were all finished.

I stormed into the house in tears, ripping my bloody gloves off on the way to the kitchen sink to wash my torn up hands.  “I want you to rip out those horrid rose bushes next year!”, I holler at hubby. He is sitting in his recliner working on a crossword puzzle, which BTW totally pisses me off  even more than I was.

Now its February. Winter is not over, and yet the evil bushes are busting with healthy green leaves and microscopic buds. “See?!“, I shook my finger at them. “It was for your own good.

They had no comment.

Budding Rosebuh

Whoops! I Did It Again..

I started working on a new baby blanket last week. It is for a baby conceived during the knitting of a blanket for my cousin’s baby last year.  I have made baby things, constantly, for the past seven years because every time I start making something for one baby, another baby is conceived.

Coincidence?  Well,  I have a theory about that…

I suspect I am the Fertility Goddess of Yarn. If this is so, then some gal out there among my family, co-workers and friends is getting pregnant very soon. Maybe even as I write this. I’m hoping for a girl this time – pink yarn is my favorite. Selfish of me, I know.

It’s cool to be a Goddess of Something. I’m the perfect chick for the job because I love babies and yarn.

Tiara And Pink Yarn

I also have my own tiara.  😉