Diary of a Nicotine Addict: Day 3

May 22, 2011December 3, 2012 ~ JodiLea

Sunday, May 22nd, 2011

Dear Diary,

I can’t believe I posted such a horrid photo on my blog yesterday. Sorry!

As I sit here, sipping on a Sugar-Free Rock Star because morning coffee really gets me jonesing for a cigarette, The Bitch is setting me up. What pisses me off the most is I know she is trying to sabotage me and yet I can’t stop her.

Welcome to addiction, where knowledge is not much power.

This morning her tactic is self-pity and resentment. (The Bitch is bringing out the heavy artillery already and I don’t know whether to be proud of this or terrified.) She attacks in the mornings because that is when I have the most awareness and energy. One or two little thoughts planted into my head can fester into a full-blown pity-party by noon.

This mornings thought: You would think your husband would mention how nice you smell.

That fleeting thought brings back to me all the times he told me I smelled like an ashtray. I start to feel resentful, then I pity poor little me, who smells NOT like an ashtray and nobody cares.

My next reaction is to retaliate. Should I pile on my favorite perfume until he notices? The man is not even out of bed yet and already in trouble.

He will probably get used to this as time goes on…

Diary of a Nicotine Addict: Day 2

May 21, 2011December 3, 2012 ~ JodiLea

I've looked better! Dear Diary,
I’m pale, hungry, and barely smiling. It’s just after noon and I’m going to eat something and lie down on my bed for awhile. I feel (and look) sick. Perhaps I will sleep and be refreshed. Often I wake up grumpy and lethargic after a nap. I feel so drained that I’m going to take the chance.

I keep thinking it’s “time for a cigarette”, then remembering I stopped as I’m walking towards the door to the backyard where my smokes are. Were.

This is really HARD!

Diary of a Nicotine Addict: Day 1

May 20, 2011December 3, 2012 ~ JodiLea

Birthday Cake Friday, May 20th

Dear Diary,

My last puff was 8-hours ago. I feel really good and energetic, except I am mentally pacing around and restless. It’s time for my after lunch smoke, but I am not doing that. I can still go outside on my break and enjoy the sunshine – it will be weird without a cigarette, but then, what isn’t?

Before I leave for the weekend I think I will clean my work area. My desk is surrounded by dust bunnies and there are crumbs and coffee stains everywhere. It’s starting to gross me out and make me claustrophobic. Only an hour or so until I leave here and go to the grocery store to pick up some ingredients my daughter will need to make my special diabetic approved birthday cake this weekend. She found a recipe that is so wonderful AND uses artificial sugar 🙂

My next-door-office neighbor gave me a gift this morning. A large bag overflowing with sugar-free candies to help me through my cigarette-less days ahead. Is she being her sweet self, or is she afraid? Regardless, I am enjoying them much!

Well- I must get off my butt and take a little walk around the building now.

TTFN