Category: Rantings

Venting, bitching, and like that

Diary of a Nicotine Addict: Month 5

~ JodiLea ~ 5 Comments

October 20th, 2011 – 5 months clean

Dear Diary,
I am losing my mind. I can’t get cigarettes out of my stupid head.

Addiction Poster
The Bitch

Lately I think about smoking often throughout the day. The Bitch (my addiction), has been relentless and I feel my stamina eroding. Month 2 was not this bad. I started feeling sorry for myself a couple of weeks ago. Now I’m becoming resentful and bitter. Such fun to be around me.

I have been down this road before and I recognize the self-destructive thoughts and behaviors that come before a relapse. No matter how stubborn I am, no amount of “will-power” is going to save me. The only reason I have not bought a pack of Virginia Slims Menthol this week is not wanting to smoke around my granddaughter – she would not only nag me, but tattle on me as well. There are also a lot of folks rooting for me that I don’t want to disappoint.

I could enjoy one and I’d be able to focus… One with my morning cup of coffee to clear my head… Just a couple drags won’t be a big deal… No one will have to know…

In the substance abuse world, those thoughts are called “romancing the drug” and I have been brought down by their lies before. I can fight back with the STOP technique and remain fairly sane.

What I fear the most are the darker thoughts that come when my defenses are weak and something upsets me: To Hell with this… I can’t fight this anymore… No one gives a shit about what I do, unless they don’t like it…

The official term for this is “having the fuck-its”. (My doctor uses this term so it must be official)  It is the most dangerous emotional state of mind for anyone to be in, but it can mean life or death to an addict.

If you arrive at the fuck-its take action immediately! Stop thinking and call a friend, get out of the house, take a break from work. Stay home in your jammies and read a good book or watch soaps. Pamper yourself. Sleep. Meditate. Pray. If you’re hyperactive (like I am) take advantage and clean your house, cupboards, something. Anything but give up!

I know this is easy to say, and nearly impossible to do, when you are pissed off at everything and tired of fighting with yourself and your addiction. I have personal experience with the fuck-its. I relapsed back into a pack-a-day habit after being clean for 10-years. 10 years!

I am not trying to frighten or lecture here. Only want to pass on what I’ve learned in case it could help someone else. And of course to vent, whine and dis The Bitch while I’m at it.

😉

I Don’t Remember Voting For That…

~ JodiLea

Is my memory getting bad, or did I miss the election where we voted about getting rid of “In God We Trust” on American money?

Wouldn’t there have  been a big hullabaloo months prior to voting? I do remember  how it was before we voted about gay marriage. So many phone calls, leaflets in the mail, TV and Radio ads. We were bombarded by everyone’s opinion every damned day.

Why didn’t hullabaloo happen about our money?  Because we the people didn’t get a say in the matter.  Something about separation of religion and government we were told. Oh poppycock! Our money doesn’t say “In Religion We Trust”. It has the word “God” on it.

When did “God” become an unmentionable word in the American language?  Hmmm… Oh wait – I know! When we started kissing the asses of every whiny group or organization that said America was infringing upon their right to not believe in Christianity– that’s when. How a dollar and change infringes anyone’s rights to their beliefs is puzzling to me, but by all means, let’s re-tool the mints and issue one dollar coins (because those Susan B. Anthony bucks were such a hit, ya know) that don’t have that word printed on them.

Why am I pissed off?  Because I learned how to say the pledge of allegiance in school, and we stood with our hands over our hearts and said it. Out loud. Every morning.  My granddaughters are denied the right to observe this American tradition. All because somebody was “offended”.

The ass kissing did not start, or stop at this trusting God on our money thing either.  America has been so busy trying to be diplomatic and not offending anyone, that we are infringing our own rights. We are shaping and changing our American traditions and culture to please others.

This scares me – a lot

Diary of a Nicotine Addict: Week Two

~ JodiLea ~ 1 Comment

Goofy

May 29th, 2011

Dear Diary,

Everyday I feel more goofy than the last. I wonder if it’s the increase of oxygen going to my brain now.  Not enough oxygen to make me euphoric or silly,  but enough to make me useless.

I just want to sleep and eat. Period. Caffeine helps for maybe 10 minutes, then it wears off and I want a nap. Yes, another one. Forget cleaning the house and other chores – I can’t even gather enough energy to write my daily post. Dinner this week has consisted of left-overs from the back of the refrigerator. Tonight I may have to actually cook something. I hope I have all the ingredients for spaghetti because I know I don’t have the energy to go grocery shopping too.

Is this withdrawal or a physiological response to the weather?

Memorial Day weekend used to be the official welcoming of summer. Not a re-run of winter. This overcast and chilly weather is pissing me off. It  poured rain in Central California this week, and the temp hovered around 60. It is usually  105 degrees here in June.  Sweltering graduation ceremonies and frying at the Livermore Rodeo is tradition…

Where the Hell is global warming when you need it?