Not the horses.    

I’m talking about Oscar winners. Is it just me, or does the Academy nominate  more people for each category now? More movies were up for Best Picture this year than usual.

I used to pick the winners based on who I wanted to win, Soon it was obvious that I did not share similar tastes with the Academy.

Next I tried to be logical. I would get a copy of the nominee list and figure out the actor and actress who starred in the movie I decided had the most chance for Best Picture. This method would have worked better if I didn’t suck at picking Best Picture.

I rarely see any nominated films before the award ceremony. This could be a significant factor – or not. Who really knows how the Academy selects the winners anyway. Their decisions amaze and anger me most of the time.

Considering the ridiculous choices the Academy occasionally makes it would not surprise me to find out the Academy members rarely watch every movie in question. Each member picks out a film to watch and writes an in-depth report on it. All members then meet to compare notes at a dark, dive-quality bar, and drink whiskey until they giggle like little girls. At that point they draw straws and the loser has to take everyone’s report and make up the nominees on the fly.

The week before the ceremony, our esteemed Academy returns to the dive-bar to decide on the winners.  Pieces of paper with a nominee’s name on them are taped to the dart board. The first paper to get nailed with a dart is the winner. The later it gets, the longer it takes to pick the winner using darts, because the Academy members are overly whiskeyed by this time.

If the designated record keeper forgets to record any results from the pierced paper choices, it all has to be done over. If the Academy failed to appoint a “record keeper” to begin with, they appoint the waitress with the largest breasts to keep score.

After all, this is Hollywood.