Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says,
‘Kin ya swallar?’
The woman shakes her head no.
Then he asks, ‘Kin ya breathe?’
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.
His partner says, ‘Ya know, I’d heerd of that there ‘Hind Lick Maneuver’ but I ain’t niver seed nobody do it!’
In December I prune my rose bushes so they can go dormant for the winter. I also add a systemic food and fertilizer to the rose beds to protect them from insects and mold. They need this done if they are to be beautiful and healthy in the spring.
Do my roses appreciate the love and care I give them? I could say that they love me, but that would be a big fat lie. These roses were fully grown when we moved into this house 24 years ago. Now they are old and mean. Seriously.
Their trunks are large and gray as ash. Their branches have thickened over the years and look gnarly. I could deal with this because their roses are beautiful. However, as the years passed by, the number and evilness of their thorns has made pruning a nightmare. Roses are supposed to like pruning, according to my gardening book. Apparently the author never met roses like mine.
This year every rosebush (there are 7), rebelled against me. Even with my thick pruning gloves on I got constantly stabbed. In fact, they grabbed my gloves and pulled me into even more thorns as I was working. It was all I could do to keep on until they were all finished.
I stormed into the house in tears, ripping my bloody gloves off on the way to the kitchen sink to wash my torn up hands. “I want you to rip out those horrid rose bushes next year!”, I holler at hubby. He is sitting in his recliner working on a crossword puzzle, which BTW totally pisses me off even more than I was.
Now its February. Winter is not over, and yet the evil bushes are busting with healthy green leaves and microscopic buds. “See?!“, I shook my finger at them. “It was for your own good.”
In August of 2010 I purchased a pair of “Shape Ups”. Sketchers™, the manufacturer, boasted these shoes would not only help you walk correctly but they promised to tighten my ass.
They were a bit pricey, but one of my favorite stores had them marked down, so I figured – why not try them? I was the first to admit that my ass needed some tightening. Perhaps they will help me walk correctly and help my back too.
Well, I brought them home and there was a DVD and an instruction manual you had to view before wearing the shoes for the first time. Say What?? I was 50 years old. I have walked in tennis shoes most of my life. And doing it all wrong, at least according to Sketchers™. Thank goodness that I bought their Shape Ups and they will help me walk correctly at last.
The maiden voyage did not go well. The arch of my foot was higher than the heel. This was dangerous for a klutz like me. We stumble often in normal shoes. I felt like a toddler must feel on unsteady ground. I tripped and fell a lot. I appeared mobility impaired. My sister laughed at me. She got a pair the same time I did and walked like a normal person. The brat!
Real Shoe vs. Shape Up
The first months of learning how to walk all over again was difficult. Not, however, as difficult as standing still was. One has to rock and reposition their feet in order to not topple over. This feature is supposed to get our legs in shape I guess. My legs always ached, especially my knees. My thighs were not happy with me either. And there was no tightening of the ass going on – at all.
It took me a year+ to get used to the damn shoes, and now I have had enough. I dug out a pair of my old real tennis shoes and wore them to work yesterday. Big Mistake. Obviously my Shape Ups have molded my feet into submission. After half a day, I could barely walk in my old shoes – and it was very, very painful. I have a feeling that new shoes will take a long time to get used to.
I’m wearing the Shape Ups again this morning. I don’t have the energy to fight with my feet anymore and I have no time to stand still anyway…
Jodi Lea's Place 