Diary of a Nicotine Addict: Month 5

~ JodiLea ~ 5 Comments

October 20th, 2011 – 5 months clean

Dear Diary,
I am losing my mind. I can’t get cigarettes out of my stupid head.

Addiction Poster
The Bitch

Lately I think about smoking often throughout the day. The Bitch (my addiction), has been relentless and I feel my stamina eroding. Month 2 was not this bad. I started feeling sorry for myself a couple of weeks ago. Now I’m becoming resentful and bitter. Such fun to be around me.

I have been down this road before and I recognize the self-destructive thoughts and behaviors that come before a relapse. No matter how stubborn I am, no amount of “will-power” is going to save me. The only reason I have not bought a pack of Virginia Slims Menthol this week is not wanting to smoke around my granddaughter – she would not only nag me, but tattle on me as well. There are also a lot of folks rooting for me that I don’t want to disappoint.

I could enjoy one and I’d be able to focus… One with my morning cup of coffee to clear my head… Just a couple drags won’t be a big deal… No one will have to know…

In the substance abuse world, those thoughts are called “romancing the drug” and I have been brought down by their lies before. I can fight back with the STOP technique and remain fairly sane.

What I fear the most are the darker thoughts that come when my defenses are weak and something upsets me: To Hell with this… I can’t fight this anymore… No one gives a shit about what I do, unless they don’t like it…

The official term for this is “having the fuck-its”. (My doctor uses this term so it must be official)  It is the most dangerous emotional state of mind for anyone to be in, but it can mean life or death to an addict.

If you arrive at the fuck-its take action immediately! Stop thinking and call a friend, get out of the house, take a break from work. Stay home in your jammies and read a good book or watch soaps. Pamper yourself. Sleep. Meditate. Pray. If you’re hyperactive (like I am) take advantage and clean your house, cupboards, something. Anything but give up!

I know this is easy to say, and nearly impossible to do, when you are pissed off at everything and tired of fighting with yourself and your addiction. I have personal experience with the fuck-its. I relapsed back into a pack-a-day habit after being clean for 10-years. 10 years!

I am not trying to frighten or lecture here. Only want to pass on what I’ve learned in case it could help someone else. And of course to vent, whine and dis The Bitch while I’m at it.

😉

Abnormal Greetings

~ JodiLea ~ 3 Comments

DoormatFunny or Rude?

We have had this mat on our front porch for years. It cracked us up because we had a very large and ferocious sounding dog. Molly has been gone almost 2 years now and the joke has worn thin.

So, I’m in the market for a new porch greeting. Those who know me, also know that not any old welcome mat will do. It has to involve some type of amusement for me. It must have an impact on those that ring the doorbell – or why bother?

The perfect greeting has not yet been discovered in a sales catalog, or retail store I shop in. However, I did come across two mats that are exactly the kind I am looking for:

Funny DoormatFunny or Rude?

Not only funny for me, but most likely for any visitors (besides cops) who happen to approach the door.

Rude Doormat

Funny or Rude?

Hilarious for me. Possibly for the visitor also – who knows what kind of sense of humor they will have? (My mom and dad would have loved it!)

If y’all could help me out in my quest for the perfect  greeting – please tell me where I should look, or send me a photo of your doormat if you think it’s perfectly abnormal  😉

Thanks in advance!

Are YOU Smarter Than a Seven Year Old?

~ JodiLea ~ 3 Comments

I am not.

On a nature walk around the neighborhood yesterday I learned things I never knew before. We were looking under pine trees for acorns, when suddenly Phoenix squealed “Grandma look!” She pointed to a grayish egg-shaped rock.  Owl Pellet

Me: “What is it?”

Phoenix: “It’s an owl pellet!”

Me (typical mother response): “Well, don’t touch it.”  I looked closer, skeptically. “It looks pretty big for bird poop”

Phoenix (impatiently): “Grandma. Owl pellets aren’t poop!”

Me: “Then what are they?”

Phoenix: “It’s bones, fur and stuff they can’t digest, so when the meat is all gone they cough it up.”

Me: “Really?”

Phoenix: “I’m not kidding Grandma”. She looked up at me to make sure I knew she was serious.

Me: “Like a hair-ball?”

Phoenix: “Yep. I’ve got to take it to school and show my class!”.

She used the baggie we brought along for acorns to pick up the thing. It was light in weight and thank goodness it did not stink. When hubby (a.k.a. grandpa) got home from work, Phoenix showed him her find. I figured he wouldn’t need an explanation because he watched Animal Planet and all those nature channels, but he had never heard of this before either.

Phoenix Age 7

So we both learned something.

From a 7-year old.

How awesome is that?