Please turn me off

~ JodiLea

I decided I need a new accessory. An OFF button.

One push of this button and my brain stops thinking about a dozen things simultaneously and retreats into Stand By mode.

Total mindless bliss.

No brains, no headaches.

Like being lobotomized, but not.

I really need this button. There are too many people in my head and they won’t shut up. I imagine Sybil felt this way. Probably worse, since she had like 17 people in there.

With an OFF button I could vanquish my insomnia. Just one push of my little OFF button and I’m in dreamland. Ahhhh…

But who will push my ON button in the morning? Would my husband decide to take a vacation from me? I can just see him leaving me OFF, for days at a time. Until the food ran out in the fridge and he had no clean socks to wear.  Nope – better not trust him.

My OFF button will need to come with an embedded timer. One I can set to turn me back ON when I want to be ON. Not when someone else wants me ON. This would prevent missing days or weeks out of my life because someone “forgot” to push my button.

Oh. My OFF button should also have a built-in smoke/C02 detector. And maybe an audio over-ride, for emergency alerts. And grand-babies screaming. The audio over-ride would ignore telephones and doorbells ringing. It would also ignore stupid questions and whining.

Now I just have to wait until this accessory becomes available to the public. The way technology is going, that should be next month or so.

I wonder if I can afford it…

My War on Tags

~ JodiLea

I have very sensitive skin and I hate the way garment tags are always scratching & making me itch. In the old days if a tag bugged you, you simply borrowed your mom’s seam ripper out of her sewing box and removed a few stitches. Wa-Lah! Problem solved.

Things have changed. Not only do you have an annoying tag that is double sewed into your garment, but you may have 3 or 4 of them. Apparently one tag is not enough to convey all the manufacturer wants you to know. This information is so critical that they sew it not once, but twice into the garment.

Last week I bought some new “skinny” jeans. Even though I knew the size they claimed to be was a lie (I have never, nor will I ever be a size 4), I felt so svelte & sexy.  I changed into them as soon as I got home from the store, called 2 friends and made them guess what size jeans I was wearing, curled up on the couch with a good book and some snacks – hey I was skinny, I can eat! An hour later the jeans had to come off. I could not take the tags anymore. They were terrorizing my skin and I just wanted to scream. I think I did scream.

For a half-hour I painstakingly removed the little tiny stitches, and the ones under those, to free my fabulous new jeans of their gnarly parasites. After all that toil, the tag was still attached to my pants. They must be sewing them in 3 times these days. I sigh deeply and loudly cursed, then proceeded with my task. I spend another 15 minutes removing the little secret stitches, which by the way held a seam together, so now I have an hole in my brand new jeans. Oh- and yes, the tag remains.

Maybe you know this already, but I was naive and believed that I was only dealing with thread here. But no. The BASTARDS are now using GLUE. Tags are sealed to the garment by gluing them after they are sewn in. I still fume when I think about it.

OK, we get the fact you want the tag to remain with the garment. But why can’t you make a tag that is not scratchy? The garment is not scratchy, so obviously you have the technology. And what is the deal with tags so large you can write the Constitution on them? Or the five, count them five, tags sewn into one small (size 4 don’t ya know) pair of jeans? Three in the back, one in the front, and one on the outside seam below the hip.

The only person who sees these damn tags is me, and I am not happy with whoever the designer or manufacturer happens to be.

I know who you are. You made sure of that, didn’t you?

Over There

~ JodiLea

I really would have loved to see the 49ers play (and win) against the Broncos last Sunday. But No. The game was not played in this country for some reason.

Why aren’t the UK games being televised in the USA? They are OUR TEAMS, damn it! What does a bloody Englishman know, or care, about American football anyway? Did the NFL get a $%@!-load of money to do this, or some kind of huge perk?

Anyway, at least their Bye week happens after their big trip so they can decompress from it all. I spent hours reading the blogs & sports news about Troy Smith starting that game and I sure would have loved to see him in action. But No.

Next week we face the St. Louis (should be Cardinals) Rams on our own turf.  A Smith will be Quarterbacking. We just don’t know which one.

Sigh……