Chick Flick of the Week: Universal Soldier

I’m Serious.

I absolutely love Jean-Claude Van Damme’s spin-kick. I don’t know why, but I was mesmerized from the first one I saw. I was not even watching the movie, my hubby and sons were having testosterone theater night and I was  in another room reading a good book. I came out to the kitchen for a refill of popcorn and that’s when I saw it. Then a close up of the kicker clinched the deal. I could not believe what I had been missing!  I plopped right down on a bean-bag and stayed there, not moving until the credits were over.

That movie was Nowhere To Run and it had a romantic, Knight-in-shining-armor story going on. Jean-Claude had to protect himself and the pretty single-mom with his spin-kicks. This was not your macho he-man only kind of movie.

When Hard Target was on TV I decided to check it out. The spin-kicks were even more awesome and intense. The plot was once again a damsel in distress (which I love, BTW). But the enjoyment of watching spin-kicks and the rescuing was tainted by Jean-Claude’s hair. I know it’s petty, but really, did his character have to have a greasy, matted, mullet cut? Yuck. Despite that distraction, it was a great movie.

I discovered that Universal Soldier was playing on HBO late Saturday night.  I would be sleeping on the couch and vaporizing myself, so this cheered me up considerably.  I had a “date” with Jean-Claude.

My “date” is in top spin-kick shape, and has clean, short, military hair in Universal Soldier.  Even when wearing an eye-patch the dude is   HOT!!!.  I think I remember exactly how hot Jean-Claude is in between seeing him in action, but my memory is like black & white TV, compared to the high-def, full living color of this perfect man. Such a lovely surprise each time I see him!

This movie has many more lethal weapons and mindless shooting than the other movies I like. I just fast forward through those parts and get right back to the chick stuff. There should be no shooting in a Van Damme movie anyway. Just a bunch of major ass-kicking.

What could be better than Jean-Claude’s perfect face and body, kicking ass in a tight-fitting uniform?

His being out of uniform, that’s what. Jean-Claude plays a character that is  too hot for his own bad self. When the man gets overheated he starts pulling off clothing and looking for ice. And girls, this happens more than once.

No matter which movie you pick to watch (and I know you will!), you may need ice yourself.


Movie Review: Black Swan

Natalie PortmanWell- I finally had the house to myself so I could watch Black Swan without being distracted. I did not want to watch it with my hubby because it didn’t seem to be “his kind” of movie. He likes action and adventurous stuff. And you know what that means. Unsolicited comments, whiny complaints like “I don’t get it”, and questions.

The movie  had dancing in it, so I figured I would like it.  I did not.


I watched the movie on Sunday. It’s Wednesday night and I’m still thinking about it. That is how poignant the story is.  The movie is a “dark” drama – raw emotion,  strong characters, and some serious tension. Natalie Portman was brilliant! I enjoyed seeing Barbara Hershey and Winona Rider play character types they usually do not play – and they were awesome!

Sorry, I know I am being vague.  Usually I don’t get around to seeing a movie until it comes out on DVD. By then most normal people have gone to the theater and watched it. When I hate a movie I eviscerate it. See my review on Mirrors if you don’t believe that.  I don’t  give anything away if I like a movie, if you are like me and have not been able to watch it yet. I would hate to spoil anything for you.

I recommend you rent that DVD or find it on-demand from your cable company. It is so worth it!

BTW – My hubby would have really really really really hated it. That should make you want to watch it even more….

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Movie Review: The Book of ELI

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If you like stories that unfold in a manner you can easily follow, The Book of ELI is not for you. And the sound sucked. I had the volume turned up to the max and I still had trouble hearing what was being said. Perhaps it was the DVD I rented. Not that there was much dialog the first half of the film anyway. Everyone Eli came in contact with he slaughtered, in what appeared to be self-defense.

Speaking of, why on earth was Denzel Washington cast as Eli? I had a hard time getting over the fact that Denzel was hidden under all that filthy scruffiness. Why couldn’t he shave earlier in the film? What a total waste of handsome!

I love suspenseful movies. However, I had more questions at the end of the film than at the beginning. Please don’t bring up mysteries that are never re-visited (i.e., the checking of the hands thing. What was that about?). And does anyone besides me think that Eli may have been blind? My only problem with that was he seemed to need candlelight to read the book at night. And are we really supposed to swallow that he memorized the Old and New Testaments in their entirety? Whether you can suspend your disbelief about that or not, it was pretty damn cool.

I also liked how Gary Coleman got his in the end. I was positive that the book inside the leather binding was not the bible, but a fake. But what was inside was even better than that!

It was not a thumbs down movie by any means – I really liked the story and it made me think. My left over questions tend to bother me and make me wonder if I am just too dumb to keep up.

If anyone knows the answer to the hands thing, PLEASE clue me in!!!