Diary of a Nicotine Addict: Day 5

Drug Bottles 🙂  I have my medication once again, so the world is a safer place.

My hubby is making me his yummy stove-top popcorn so I can munch tonight and take some in my lunch tomorrow. It’s little things like this to look forward to that keep me going. A good movie on my DVR. Winning tickets to play on a grocery store game. Finding my favorite sugar-free chocolates at the store. A good book to read when I have some time to actually read.

I am so exhausted from battling The Bitch all day that I’m lucky to read 2 pages before passing out. Hubby puts in my bookmark and turns off the reading lamp every night.

Sweet Dreams to y’all……

Diary of a Nicotine Addict: Day 4

I think I gained 10 pounds this weekend. I really wanted to sneak my birthday cake into my room and eat the thing by myself. There is only a large piece left and I want to hide it from my hubby before I go off to Curves. Yes – I know it’s ridiculous, and I don’t care.

The withdrawal symptoms have increased. What’s up with that? I am wearing the patch, so my body is getting Nicotine, from a new delivery system. The Bitch (my addiction, if you are joining this diary recently), demands the drug be administered in heavy doses that immediately reach the bloodstream. She is not liking this slow steady method and being The Bitch she is,  my day has been shitty.

I did manage to get a couple of things accomplished at work today. Then I spent the last 3 hours cleaning my office. My bookshelves have been a disaster and I was not going to tolerate it anymore. I know that tomorrow I will not remember why I put this here and the other over there. The important thing is I have gotten rid of some irrelevant papers and the dust bunnies.

Drug Bottles Tomorrow will be interesting. I have only 1/2 dose left of Welbutrin (a drug prescribed for helping your mood while you fight your addictions, among other things). My doctor was on vacation and it did not get refilled today. I forgot to order the refill on time. That is so unlike me, since I’m pretty anal about my refills. I bet The Bitch had something to do with this.

I am tired, grumpy, and have had a headache all day. And that last piece of birthday cake? I told him I wanted it for myself, but hubby had the audacity to eat half of it right after dinner. I knew I should have hidden it from the bum….

Diary of a Nicotine Addict: Day 3

Heavy Arillery
This is War!!!

Sunday, May 22nd, 2011

Dear Diary,

I can’t believe I posted such a horrid photo on my blog yesterday. Sorry!

As I sit here, sipping on a Sugar-Free Rock Star because morning coffee really gets me jonesing for a cigarette, The Bitch is setting me up. What pisses me off the most is I know she is trying to sabotage me and yet I can’t stop her.

Welcome to addiction, where knowledge is not much power.

This morning her tactic is self-pity and resentment. (The Bitch is bringing out the heavy artillery already and I don’t know whether to be proud of this or terrified.)  She attacks in the mornings because that is when I have the most awareness and energy. One or two little thoughts planted into my head can fester into a full-blown pity-party by noon.

This mornings thought: You would think your husband would mention how nice you smell.

That fleeting thought brings back to me all the times he told me I smelled like an ashtray. I start to feel resentful, then I pity poor little me, who smells NOT like an ashtray and nobody cares.

My next reaction is to retaliate. Should I pile on my favorite perfume until he notices?  The man is not even out of bed yet and already in trouble.

He will probably get used to this as time goes on…