Diary of a Nicotine Addict: Week 5 Begins

June 17th, 2011

Dear Diary,

This could be the toughest one yet. My hubby will be out-of-town all weekend and I will be left home alone. Unsupervised.

Well,  I won’t be totally alone. The Bitch (a.k.a. my addiction), will be an uninvited house guest. She will be hovering close to me, whispering sweet lies that my addicted brain wants to believe. Things like “Oh come on,  you deserve a ‘free day’ “,  or  “No one will ever know if you have a couple smokes”.

When she gets desperate, the Bitch starts throwing old issues at me, excavated from my traumatic past. Nothing is too low of a blow for the Bitch.  ” It’s too late now, you’re old and the damage has been done “, ” If you can’t smoke anymore, which addiction will you turn to next?”, “Hasn’t your poor family been through enough?” The more desperate she gets, the nastier her ranting (inside my head) becomes.

What the Bitch doesn’t know is that I have a plan of attack. I’m going to strap on my iPod and rock & roll while spring cleaning. I call it spring cleaning because I’m going to pull everything out of the drawers, closets, and shelves. I will pack up what I want to move and get rid of what I don’t want. I will clean before I put the stuff back. This activity will be exhausting.

Next I will put on my pajamas, get my popcorn bowl, and start the Soap Marathon.

I have 8 days (16 episodes) of my soaps waiting for me on the DVR. Hubby hates listening to The Young and Restless & The Bold and Beautiful. I don’t know if he hates the shows, or my behavior.  I admit that I sometimes yell at the characters when they are being incredibly stupid.  There are many bitches (and bastards) to hate, root for, and scream at.  If you’re looking for entertainment that takes you completely away from reality – you should check them out.

During Soap Intermission I plan to call my best friend and see what she’s up to. I will try to talk her into visiting me out here in California where it’s tornado and flood free. That girl knows me more than anyone else. Except God, and He may consult her for all I know..

When all the soaps have been watched and I touch base with my BFF, I may do some gardening, organize photos, clippings, announcements, and the what-not I’ve been saving to put into a scrapbook someday.  Or I may take a nap. The choice is mine.

And NOT the Bitches!


Why Can’t I Stop Eating?

June 15th, 2011: Day 27

Dear Diary,

I lost the crown on my upper-right molar while eating a chocolate candy. Don’t tell my dentist, but it was a chewy candy and it must have pulled the crown off. Sigh… This makes the 8th time this year that I am carrying around a baggie in my purse. With part of a tooth in it.

I’m pretty sure the molar in question is my sweet-tooth. Now released from its gold prison the silly tooth is ready to party. I gained 3 pounds just this afternoon! Would my dentist consider this an emergency,  like I do?  Doubtful.  He cares about my dental health, not how much I weigh.

I booked an appointment  this Friday, 2 whole days. Then Doc can cover the damned tooth and I can get on with my life.

By my calculations I will weigh 10 more pounds than I do today. Please do not tell me “have some willpower for Pete’s sake”, or some other meaningful advice.

Addiction overrules Willpower, Don’t cha know?

Withdrawal is My Excuse

Addiction Poster

June 12th, 2011: Day 24

For the past 24 days I have had a scapegoat to blame all my difficulties, mistakes, sins, dumb ideas, and evil thoughts on. Best of all – it probably is the cause of  those things, to some degree, so I’m not lying .

According to the The American Heritage® Medical Dictionary, the definition of a withdrawal symptom is:

withdrawal symptom:  Any of a group of physical and psychological symptoms occurring in an individual deprived of an accustomed dose of an addicting agent.

Read the definition again.

Get it?  ANY!

This is a huge relief to me especially since the weirdest things have been happening to my mind and body. Like sudden onset dementia- I could not remember my best friends name yesterday which was a bit embarrassing because I was introducing her to someone at the time.

Having an excuse for them is OK. But what I really wanted to know is when are they going to stop?  So, I started going to medical websites to research this topic and I discovered a couple things.

The Mayo Clinic told me:

Just 20 minutes after your last cigarette, your heart rate goes down. Twelve hours later, levels of carbon monoxide, a toxic gas, in your blood return to normal. Your lung function improves and your circulation starts to get better within three months.

Cool. My body has already started healing from all those years of abuse. I hope it can forgive me.

The Kaiser Permanente told me:

The withdrawal symptoms are worst during the first week or so, but they may last a few weeks. For some people, the first couple of months can be hard.

Since mine are lasting over 3-weeks, I must be one of  “some people”. Looks like I’m going to need an excuse for myself a bit longer…