Things NOT on my Bucket List

November 28, 2010December 4, 2010 ~ JodiLea

Ever since that movie came out, my friends have been thinking about what they would put on their lists. No one is actually writing these lists down on paper. At least not admitting they are, because after all, we are way too young to be thinking about that.

I have no clue what will be on my list. I do know, however, what will NOT be.

Bicycling down the Haleakala Volcano

Have you seen this? If you think it looks scary while you watch it on Nat Geo, try being on the same road. There is only one road. It goes up the volcano. It goes down the volcano. The grade is about 5%. You coast from 10,028 ft to sea level in 38 miles. Seems simple. No peddling. Ha! A steep road is only half of the problem. A twisted, two-lane road makes the trip horrifying. And I was in a car.

The views are breathtaking.

I would not see them because all my focus would be on not crashing my bike into the 300 other tourists also biking down the volcano, being hit by one of the (sane) people driving their car, or coasting right off a cliff.

No Thank You.

Bungee Jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge

This is just wrong!

Aside from being dangerous, this jump was probably illegal.

Considering it is at night and there is just the couple present .

Hey, maybe he pushed her off the bridge and this is a homicide.

If you ever see me in this position – call the police!

Running with the Bulls

Don’t kid yourself.

Only the bulls are running with each other. People are running FROM the Bulls.

Do these guys look like they are having fun? Even I am saner than this.

Climb Mount Everest (or Kilimanjaro, or Fuji, etc.)

Just “because it is there”, are you kidding me? Many things are “there” and I am not one bit tempted to climb them. That reason to climb a mountain is ridiculous!

The only climbing I want to do is the stairs – when I have to, in order to be where I want to be. Like my daughter’s house. The 2nd story of the mall. My doctor’s office. That kind of climbing.

NOT this…

My 15-minutes of fame

For me, any recognition from the media would be embarrassing or damaging to my self-esteem. People who knew me would not be awed or jealous of my fame.

They would roll their eyes and say, “That’s Jodi, alright!”

So, who needs that?

Watching Dogs Poop

November 27, 2010 ~ JodiLea

Let me explain.

My mother lives in a very nice neighborhood. From mom’s porch you can see the ocean (between the condos across the street). If there isn’t any fog. Sunrise and Sunsets are awesome along the Pacific Ocean’s horizon! I love to admire this view while I sip my coffee and smoke a cigarette. It has become my morning thing.

Almost every resident here has a dog (or two). Because this neighborhood has ornate landscaping and no fences, these dogs take their people for a walk on a regular basis. I enjoy watching the diverse breeds of dogs that pass in and out of my view. There are several “regulars”, who are out and about every morning. A couple of Labs, a Golden Retriever in his golden years, a Scottie, two British Springer Spaniels, and quite a few of those little yap-dogs of obscure lineage. My favorite dog, a Bernese Mountain Dog, must not live in mom’s neighborhood. I only see him every couple months. I am sure they must need to go out more than that.

The condos across the street have a strip of grass next to the sidewalk. Mom’s side of the street is a well landscaped hill, overlooking this sidewalk. Dogs and their people must walk on that side, which is right smack in the middle of my view. Every dog must sniff around a few times on this patch of grass. Then, of course, they poop. They have to poop there because all the other dogs have done so, and it’s a canine imperative to poop upon the poop of others.

I didn’t really think much about it until the other morning when a friend called me and asked “What are you doing?”. Being the smart-ass that I am, I told her “Oh, not much. Just watching dogs poop.” It was then I realized that was exactly what I have been doing.

Every morning.

Yuk!

The dog’s people are well trained. The poop is scooped off the grass as soon as their dog moves on. Everyone accompanying a dog carries a plastic bag for waste containment. The homeowner’s association rules are apparently followed around here.

I wonder if these people are always so conscientious. Do you think it has something to do with a woman watching from above, with a coffee and cigarette?

Please turn me off

November 18, 2010 ~ JodiLea

I decided I need a new accessory. An OFF button.

One push of this button and my brain stops thinking about a dozen things simultaneously and retreats into Stand By mode.

Total mindless bliss.

No brains, no headaches.

Like being lobotomized, but not.

I really need this button. There are too many people in my head and they won’t shut up. I imagine Sybil felt this way. Probably worse, since she had like 17 people in there.

With an OFF button I could vanquish my insomnia. Just one push of my little OFF button and I’m in dreamland. Ahhhh…

But who will push my ON button in the morning? Would my husband decide to take a vacation from me? I can just see him leaving me OFF, for days at a time. Until the food ran out in the fridge and he had no clean socks to wear. Nope – better not trust him.

My OFF button will need to come with an embedded timer. One I can set to turn me back ON when I want to be ON. Not when someone else wants me ON. This would prevent missing days or weeks out of my life because someone “forgot” to push my button.

Oh. My OFF button should also have a built-in smoke/C02 detector. And maybe an audio over-ride, for emergency alerts. And grand-babies screaming. The audio over-ride would ignore telephones and doorbells ringing. It would also ignore stupid questions and whining.

Now I just have to wait until this accessory becomes available to the public. The way technology is going, that should be next month or so.

I wonder if I can afford it…